Vidhatri's Oasis

Nectar

2006-05-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

Amaze

2006-05-15T09:37:00.000-07:00

Best In Me...

2006-05-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

Existence

2006-04-25T09:01:00.000-07:00

Identity

2006-04-21T09:12:00.000-07:00

Thanks ...

2006-04-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

LifeLine

2006-04-10T07:04:00.000-07:00

Created this poster for a Blood Donation Campaign .....

Power Of Vision

2005-11-29T09:19:00.000-08:00

I created this for a "poster making" competetion.The topic was "Power Of Vision" and I bagged the First Place :-).See the poster n read the poem below ;-)

I am engulfed in darkness as I close my eyes…
To see that darkness I refuse…
For I follow the Shining Stars …
As like Spotlights they throw light….
On the trailers of my life that run before my eyes …
To succeed in the unachieved ….
To care for the uncared…..
To see the unseen doves of peace flying…
To create the uncreated….
To love and to be loved…..
To Thank God for a beautiful life….
To see the unseen…..
For it’s the “Power of Vision” …
That lets you to "I" those dreams….
Dreams that you aspire to make them a truth someday…
For it’s these "I"s ….
That help you see, create in your Vision…
….. An "I"dentity

F.R.I.E.N.D

2005-09-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder…Who are Friends?
Why did they come in our life and why few of them leave while few of them refuse to go?
Were the people who left not worth my feelings or the people who stayed, was I worth their feelings?
Has God being partial to these people who stayed back as they seem to always have so much love to spread across?
Why do they smiling agree to be lost in the crowd when the success rains drench me, but be the first to lend their shoulders when I am drenched by my tears?
How do they manage to open their arms and welcome me back... when I come back after a stroll …a stroll where are paths never crossed?
What is so alluring about them, that I am more than happy to unmask the masked me?
Are they gifted more than 24 hrs a day... for they seem to always have time for my endless monologue?
Are they mind readers, for they with ease read my grief filled thoughts behind my glowing face tagged with the perfect curved smile?
Where do they get this ability of making flawless prediction about my unfelt feelings?
Why do I search for their faces and when not found feel lonely even when I am standing amidst a crowd of other friends?
What makes their simple deeds leave imprints embossed in my heart?

Let these questions remain unanswered ... for if answered I fear I will stop realizing the fact that these are the people who will always be there with me till the END...for they are my friENDs.

Light

2005-09-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

Created this for an eye donation camp campaign ...

The Couplet…

2005-08-17T06:29:00.000-07:00

‘I love you,
Because I love you”, he said.
I blushed. I don’t know what magic was there in that so-called “romantic couplet” he had framed to express his love for me, that I soon found myself holding his hands, as we took vows to be a “perfect couple”. But now, a couple is just what we are with that “perfect” disappearing into thin air. I am frustrated, angry, and furious for as each day passed by a void was growing between us. I wanted to vent out my feelings to someone …someone who will understand my feelings…my frustration. I took my cell phone and immediately dialed a number. I spoke, cried, wailed, and cribbed … just letting my heart talk. “Now, I am unable to take it anymore…tell me what should I do?”, I asked as I ended my hour-long monologue. After, a minute long silence from the other end I heard “I don’t know what you should be doing. But, all I know is ‘I love you, because I love you”. I blushed, falling in love with my husband even more.

Untouched

2005-07-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

Untouched….
I spread my arms to welcome the sun allowing the sunlight hug me. I perform a ballet when the pleasant breeze makes me dance to its tunes. I blush as the rain drops fall on me, kissing me all over. I wake up in the morning drenched in the fresh dew drops that pamper me. I am very happy with the life I am leading now…being far away from all … totally untouched…may be that’s why I am rightly named as a “Touch-Me-Not” plant.
I haven’t experienced much of the world outside, but I have learnt a lot from my elders. I was taught that I was given this name because when I was touched, I would curl around and soon after sometime I would spread my leaflets. I was yet to feel the human touch. But, I guess I will never feel it because I was born in a marsh area where no human has reached yet. So, I am sure I would continue my present blissful life for ever, without anyone intruding my life. May be God is very happy with me and has bles..s..bless..e…d….Hey … Who’s that? I can feel something unusual happening now. What is it? Is there some earthquake or a flood coming my way? Oh God! What is this? I can feel a touch. Why am I curling around? Who has touched me ? I looked up and saw five fingers touching me . I looked beyond . I saw two eyes , a nose, lips and a face that were grinning at me …. Oh God! Humans have caught me !
I curled around, shrinking my whole body together. Ouch ! It aches. I cried out in pain just to be unheard. After some time when I couldn’t bear the pain I slowly spread my body only to be touched again. I curled again in pain. Now, I have lost the count as to how many times I could have opened and closed to satisfy the human fascination.
Now, What are they doing? Why are you approaching my roots ? No .. No… please don’t pluck me off . I will die. Please let me be alone. Aahh! It aches . Don’t uproot me, please. Tuck ! They pulled me off the marsh place where I had lived till now and I dreamt of living there forever. I was put into a plastic cover and carried away. Few of my roots were still intact there on the ground, which I could see were crying out to take them with me. But, sad they didn’t know that we now were destined to never ever meet again. I bid farewell in tears.
I was put into a pot of mud and a label was placed beneath the pot that read “Touch-Me-Not” plant. I looked around the place. Looked like a place where lot of humans visited. I looked to my sides. I was placed in between many pots of plants that too carried their name tag beneath their pot. “Sad Souls like me”, I thought.
I was missing everything. The sunlight doesn’t seem to be hugging me anymore, the pleasant breeze seems not interested to dance with me, and there were no rains that once kissed me … I was missing all this. Like others plants in the pot, I was also standing there leading a lifeless life.
I was getting bored. The loneliness seemed to strangle me to death. I needed to talk to somebody. But with whom? These humans …who only come near me only to touch me and see me curl in pain while they smile seeing me do so. I was fed up. I needed someone to talk to. I looked around and found a cactus plant next to me.

“Hi, Cactus. I am Touch-Me-Not. Can we be friends?

No Reply.
“Cactus, I would like to be your friend. I am feeling very lonely. Can we talk?”

No Reply.

Everyday I tried to start a conversation with the Cactus plant. But, always ended up being disappointed. I didn’t know why Cactus didn’t speak to me? Days passed by. Everybody who passed by me, looked at my name plate and immediately touched me. I had nothing to defend myself from them. So, I continued to be touched that engulfed me in more and more pain. Soon , I found my body growing weak and fragile.

“My friend Cactus, I am fed up of life. I can’t take these touches anymore. It pains. But these humans don’t understand because they have fun seeing me go in and out. I need a friend... A friend whom I can talk to … tell my miseries… My sorrow.. My pains…Please, talk to me . Please”

“Humm…. “

“Wow, I heard that. You just spoke to me Cactus. Thanks. But, please speak to me more. I am dying to talk to you “

“What do you want me to talk?”

“Talk… ok tell me why didn’t you speak to me all these days?”

“Why should I talk to you ? You have so many people who come to see you .. who touch you .. pamper you. Then, what difference does it make if I don’t talk to you ?”

“Oh! For heaven’s sake! Don’t say that. I hate what’s happening to me. When the fingers come near me I just hope that they kill me instead of just touching me. They love to see me close and open. But for their happiness I have to suffer the pains which are unbearable. This is killing me. You’re mistaken, the presence of these people doesn’t make me happy rather their presence is like a slow poison that is killing me everyday. I hope I was like you because nobody disturbs you.”

“Please, don’t they say that. Don’t ever think of being me. I am leading a life that is worse than hell. If I was in hell, I would have been happier because I would have known that I am dead that I wouldn’t have expected anything from anybody. But now I am alive, waiting to be loved .What is the difference between you and me? That, I have thorns all-round and you don’t have them. That, they derive happiness when they touch you and pain when they touch me. They don’t even attempt to come close to me. Why?”

“Cactus, please control yourself. I didn’t mean to hurt you….”

“Hurt… good to hear that. At least you understand that I have a heart that can get hurt. But these humans don’t ? Even when I blossom a flower, they give me a surprised look. A look which says that even this horny plant can blossom such beautiful flowers. But still they don’t come near me. God, has created me different. But, does difference mean not to be loved?”

I was speechless.

I didn’t have a reply because the reality is , being “different” deprives one from being loved.

I found lot of truth in the Cactus’s words. It’s true that an orphaned kid, a handicapped person, an AIDS patient, a mentally retarded man, a homeless mother, the tsunami affected people, the people who lost their limb in an earthquake, the Army general who lost his limb in a war , the beggar outside the temple, the lonely mother of two kids who begs in the traffic signal, the blind women who trips and falls just to be not caught by anyone….. and so many others who are different and thus deprived of the love they deserve. Even they have hearts that blossom love. But, their thorny reality is overshadowing their velvet soft loving nature. It would just take some pains for people to take time out and help them. But isn’t that pain worth taking when compared to the immeasurable happiness these special people get? These are people who are completely untouched by love and waiting to be touched.
Hearing the Cactus’s words I was touched. Touched because those words helped me to take a decision to live … live to bring smiles on the Cactus’s face, touched because I was fortunate to get a chance to help “the special” and at last touched of the fact that I was different from those humans who in spite of having so many people who are still untouched, touched me even when my name screamed loud on their face “TOUCH-ME-NOT”.

It

2005-07-13T09:23:00.000-07:00

Neither good nor bad…. Neither happy nor sad … Neither a blessing nor a curse… for I am neither a man nor a woman … I belong to the “third sex” and they call me a Hijra.
I live in a slum area in Mumbai. I share a house with four more people who are Hijras like me. Inside these four walls, I live in a world that is dimly lit, with rain water pouring in from the dilapidated roof and getting a meal per day was a luxury. But the world outside these four walls has always been flashy. Flashy with all the flamboyant clothes I wore, the gaudy makeup that covered my face, the ostentatious ornaments that made more noise than the song I sang, the jasmine flowers on my head that spread fragrance as I danced around clapping my hands continuously in a marriage function or during a celebration of a child’s birth. It’s nice to get a warm welcome when we visit these functions because people here believe that if we bless them, good fortunes will be bestowed on them. But, then how will they address me? “She has come to bless us”? Or “He has come to bless us”? No! They can’t address me either way. So, they end up addressing me “It has come to bless us”. I smile back at them when I hear them say so.
I sometimes wonder who is to be blamed for my present state... myself or God Himself. For I am now devoid of being a mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son and many more. Now all that defines me is this two letter word “It.” This complaint I had until a touch made me feel more than just being an “It”.
It was just another day. As usual I was dressed in a shiny sari, I walked around the street clapping my hands going to each road side shop and demanding money. This was my daily routine. Few people gave me money while others just literally pushed me out of the shop. That day I entered a textile shop that stood in the corner of the main road. As I was demanding money in my usual boisterous tone, I noticed a small boy standing with his mother. I looked at him and gave him a huge smile. He got scared. Can’t blame him, because when a person with a dark complexion and lips dipped in a bright red lipstick smiles at a small kid, he getting scared was obvious. Not stopping with this, I went closer to the kid and smiled again at him. This time he got really scared and started running. Oh God! Why was this kid running? Oh no! He was running towards the main road. “Stop! Don’t run. Some vehicle might hit you. Stop”, I screamed and started running behind the kid who was moving closer to the road. Just then I saw a lorry coming close to the boy. Before I realized what happened, I saw the kid lying in the corner of the road, wounded.
I rushed towards the kid and lifted him. Thank God he was still alive. “Somebody please call the ambulance or a taxi fast”, I screamed. The boy’s mother squeezed her way out of the crowd that had gathered around us. I went on pleading for help, but no one seemed to help. These people will never change. I rushed out of the crowd towards the road to stop a taxi. But every taxi that passed by sensed that something was wrong, so they just rushed through. At last I managed to stop a taxi and caught the taxi driver by the collar of his shirt. I showed all the roughness that I had developed in all these years of my existence in this strange surrounding of mine. I warned the taxi driver to take us to the hospital, leaving the taxi driver totally petrified. The bleeding boy was lying on his mother’s lap who was weeping continuously, as we drove to the nearby hospital. It was just the day before I had blessed a new born kid for a long life and now I was the reason for making a boy live many years less than what he was supposed to.
We rushed into the emergency ward. The doctor and the nurse took the boy into the operation theater. His mom and I were standing outside the operation theater. His mother was continuously crying and wailing. I went close to her and said “Don’t worry. Nothing will happen to your son”. She stopped crying and looked at me. I could see anger in her eyes.

“You are telling me not to worry. How can you say that? Do you know how a mother feels? How will you know? You have never been one. What did my son do to you? What did you achieve by scaring my son? …”

“But I never intended to harm your son. He ran …”

“Harm… you have done that already. You are living a handicapped life, so you want my son also to lose a limb and be a handicap .You could never do anything good for your life or others …. At least spare us from your bad shadow. Please go away from here. I don’t want your bad luck to rub on my son anymore... just go away.”

I walked out of the hospital with a heavy heart. I was blamed and held responsible for something I never intended to do. I am the way I looked because I am like that. And I live like this because I was born to live this way. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I felt that my legs unable to carry my own weight. I tired to balance but couldn’t. I sat on the nearby platform.
“.. How will you know? You can never be a mother”… did I not want to be one…“Bad luck, bad shadow”… did I ask for being one? Why was I blamed for living as an individual I never wanted to be? What was my mistake if God didn’t want me to lead a normal life? I was leading a life which gave me just two options, either live it or die before your natural death. Was it my mistake to decide to live? Till now I was leading a life full of compromises but from now I had to live a life of guilt. Guilty of ruining a kid’s life, guilty of making a mother cry, guilty of being the way I was.
That day when I reached my house, I found all my room mates in the house waiting for me to arrive. As soon as I stepped in, they told me their day’s happenings. “You know we went to this house, where a very cute baby boy was born. We blessed him and guess what they gave us so much money in return. They were very generous people. I pray to God the baby boy lives long.”, one of my room mates told me. “I pray the boy survives.” I told them . “What ?.. What did you say?”, they asked me. “Humm.. nothing I didn’t say anything”, I replied back realizing I had muttered something which I shouldn’t have. How could I tell them that while they blessed a baby for long life, I had pushed a kid into the well of death? No, I didn’t want to say, but my eyes could say the untold things. So, I rushed my way out of the house before my friends could make it out.
I sat on a bench looking at the waves of the sea splashing on the rocks. The sea looked like a mirror which was trying to show my shabby appearance. The sprinkles of water that fell on me were trying to remind me again and again that I was guilty of a boy’s miserable state. A boy who was lucky until the instance I entered his life. Yes, I am a bad shadow …a bad luck. What is the purpose of my living? Anyways I can’t do anything good to anybody but at least let me stop myself from doing bad to anyone. What difference will it make if I live or die? So, better I die. I stood on the rocks, ready to jump into the sea and kill myself. Then suddenly, I remembered the small boy’s face. What would have happened to the kid? Was he dead or alive? Did he lose any of his limbs because of the accident? I could sense a desperate urge in my heart to see the boy for the last time, so I decided to see the boy the very next day.
I slowly crept into the hospital. I didn’t know which room he was in. I enquired in the reception giving the details of the boy’s accident and the time he was admitted. The receptionist told me the room number with a very suspicious look. I ignored the look because I was happy that the kid was alive. I had to be very careful now because I couldn’t enter the room when his mother was inside. I didn’t want to upset her . I stood in the corner of the passage looking at the door of the room for some miracle to happen and I see the boy. “Oh God!. Please let me see the kid. Please. This is my last wish because I might not be alive to ask you another one.”, I prayed hard. Just then, I saw his mother coming out of the room. I immediately entered the room hoping nobody to be there in the room.
There before me I could see the small boy lying on the bed. He had bandages all over his body. I could see red swollen marks on his face. Oh God! What are you making the small boy go through? This is hell. All because of my mistake. I sat on my knees with my head resting on the bed. I wept. I am definitely a curse. That’s why even God didn’t want me to lead a normal life. I can’t take it anymore. Its better I die.
Suddenly I felt l a smooth velvet touch on my hand. I looked up. The kid’s hand was on mine. He slowly held his hand firmly around my hand. I looked at the kid. I saw a broad smile on his face. “Thanks”, he said and gave a wider smile. “Thanks for bringing me to the hospital.”, he said. I didn’t know how the kid knew about it, but then I - a hijra was the one who brought him to the hospital among those hundreds of people who stood there standing seeing the wounded boy. I burst out into tears and kissed his hand.
I don’t know how it feels to be a mother, a father, a daughter, a son, a sister or a brother. But I know when you feel either one of them, you feel divine. When the kid touched my hand, I felt divine.
A new purpose in life, a new meaning to my living, a whole new urge to live sprang in me because that moment the kid’s touch had addressed me with the names of all the “meaningful” relations making me feel just anyone else other than an “It”.
Now, I feel like… A mother because I am able to spread happiness in my own small way…. I feel like a father because I am motivating myself to live a life with pride… a life blessed with an unique identity … an identity that makes me feel like a pearl coming out of my dark world that was covered by two shells … the two shells which I call one as “ I ” and other “ T ” … It

Shades

2005-06-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

“I am the king of the world”, I screamed at the top of my voice as I stood at the highest altitude I had ever reached in my life. I remember the hero of the movie “Titanic” screaming the same dialogue when he stood on the gigantic Titanic and looked around at the mighty sea around him. May be I shared the same feeling as his when I stood on one of the many bamboos that were fastened by ropes and firmly tied to the billboard that rested majestically on a 7 storey building. A sense of supremacy filled me as I looked down on all the ant sized people hurrying to nowhere and the miniature vehicles rushing through to catch up with life. The cauliflower sized trees seem to be presenting me a bouquet of greenery while the posh building envied me, seeing me enjoy the comfortable “risky” position I sat on. Yes risky, but I felt the risk was worth taking when I looked at the magic I created by turning the dull white painted rectangular piece to “full of life” painted billboards. While the shades I spread out on the billboard seem to speak out to every individual who glanced at them, the same shades seem to make even the “risk” factor in my work, playful.
Actors, Actresses, Villains, Comedians, Singers, Models, Directors, Producers, Products, brands, you name them and I have painted them on the billboards – my version of landscape. Every street, every highway or every road where the billboards I have painted stand are a testimony of the talent I possessed. My friends were always curious to know how I managed to see a postcard size photograph and paint an exact replica of that on a board that is thousand times larger then the snap. I just smiled back at them. But I knew how difficult it was to paint the expressions of an angry villain, a romantic hero or a beautiful heroine. This was a talent I felt proud to possess and blessed to be bestowed upon.
The “Venkateswaran Arts” office, the office where I work didn’t look the same today. I could see a lot of hustle bustle today. Everybody seems to be discussing something really serious. What happened? When I enquired the reason about this unusual atmosphere in the office, one of my colleagues pulled me out of the office and made me sit on the back seat of his bicycle and he rode towards the nearby main road. Where was he taking me? For what? I had no clue. All I could see is his worried face which was sweating profusely. He parked his bicycle near the platform of the main road and pointed his finger towards some object above. I lifted my head and looked at it and I was smiling at the new version of the billboard I was looking at. I could see a huge printed plastic sheet covering the billboard. I was so amazed at this new technology because we don’t have to paint billboard anymore. So, now any advertisement for a movie or a brand can be printed on a huge plastic sheet and just pinned on the billboard. That moment I didn’t realize the fear my colleagues were feeling because the advent of this new technology was a curse in disguise for us.
One by one I saw my colleagues who were painters like me getting laid off. No prior notice was given when they were laid off. Can’t blame my boss for that. What is the use of five painters like us when a “printed plastic sheet” can do the same job with greater quality and durability. I knew even my chance will come soon .One fine day, I found the accountant of our office settling my accounts and asking me to leave the job.
As I walked out of the office, I looked at my hands. These were the hands that possessed a skill which only few were gifted with. These were the hands that could paint any expression with ease. These were the hands which made voiceless colors; mute shades speak volumes to people who looked at them. Now the same hands have painted a big “question mark” in my life. I didn’t know where to go because I had a talent within me that had just cut me off from the only earning I had in my life.
By God’s grace I got a job of painting the walls and posters for an election campaign. I found myself painting the party’s name and their slogans for the elections. The same hands which once upon time had the liberty to play around with paints was now painting only with one shade of color filling in colors in symmetrical restricted boundary of alphabets. I looked at the alphabets I painted and realized that they were restricting my creative flow, I looked at the color I used which was stopping me from creating magic with different shades of color , in my hand I held a paint brush that brushed me away from the real me. No! I am not going to let this happen to me. I am not going to let myself surrender to circumstances. I am not going to allow fate to decide my life. I will fight. I am going to fight against circumstances, fight against fate, fight against reality and change circumstances the way I want it to be. I know it’s going to be difficult but it’s worth the fight.
With the fifty rupees I was paid for painting the lifeless alphabets, I rushed to a nearby stationary shop with a my heart echoing the words “Fight, Fight!” . I bought few A4 sheets and few colors pencil because I didn’t have the money to buy paints. I went to the famous beach in the city. This was a place where lots of people visited to beat the city’s heat. And this was the same place which I was hoping to change my fate. With the plain sheets and pencils in my hand I went to each and every one I saw in the beach and asked them “Sir, Are u interested to have your sketch drawn?” , “Madam, I can paint well .I can draw your sketch”, “Sister, I can draw your face. It’s just 50 rupees”. But, nobody seems to be interested .Everybody shooed me away, when I approached them. I was wandering in the beach for hours hoping at least somebody will be ready to have they sketch done. But no one was ready. Everybody looked at me as if I was a lunatic. Yes I am a lunatic… a lunatic who is crazy about the talent he has and is out there trying to fight against his fate.
That night I cried as my fate laughed at me. But I still could hear my heart say “Fight!Fight”. Suddenly, from no where an idea struck me. I immediately took out a plain sheet and the color pencils. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate. I opened my eyes, took a pencil and in few minutes I managed to draw my portrait on the sheet. I rushed outside and glanced through the movie posters that were pasted on the walls. In next few minutes I found myself drawing a portrait of one of the most beautiful actress of our country just next to mine. When I was done, I looked at the final product. The complete sketch looked like a snap of mine taken while standing next to the beautiful actress. “This should work”, I thought.
Next day I hurried to the beach to catch hold of morning walkers. I saw a young guy jogging. I hurried towards him and said , “Sir, I can paint well. I can draw your face too. Look at this portrait.”, I showed the sketch I did last night. He looked at the sketch. My heart beat increased because he was the first person who cared to stop to hear what I said and I didn’t want let him go. “Can you sketch my face next to Aiyshwarya Rai’s face?”, the guy asked me with a puzzled look. “Sure, Sir. I can do that”, I responded quickly and completely excited. In next 1 hour I found a 50 rupee note in my hand given by the same guy. The first success in my struggled fight. Soon, my idea of drawing a person next to his/her favorite star became a hit. I found myself drawing n number of portraits the whole day. My hands were aching but I was enjoying the taste of my success. I was surprised when few people wanted me to draw their face with their favorite celebrity kissing them, hugging them. Their requests made me feel they were insane. But, then their insanity helped this “lunatic” to remain sane.
Soon, I found myself earning a decent amount to lead a comfortable life. I was getting popular with the regular beach goers and more popular with college groups. One such college group was so impressed with my work that they asked if I can come over for their inter collegiate fest and put up a stall and sell few of my painting. I agreed instantly. And soon I could see my creativity flow beyond the restricted boundary, coloring my life with different shades and my paint brush soon brushed away my meaningless past life.
Now I am faculty in an institute that specializes in arts and crafts. I teach students here painting, mainly painting face portraits. I was offered this job when one of the faculties of the institute saw my works in the college festival where I put up a stall. I remember my eyes were filled with tears when he offered me the job. Because the person was not offering me a job but he was offering me the liberty of recreating all the magic I did once. When I held my first salary of Rs 3500/- in my hands, I could see drops of tears falling on my hands ...the same hands which painted plethora of colorful shades of a rainbow in my stormy dark days.
Even today when I look at the portrait which I drew that night with the beautiful actress next to mine, I feel proud about myself…. Because I had won the battle against fate … Because I didn’t surrender to the circumstances … Because I am living a happy life which I had created…… Because at the end it was I who brought colorful shades in my life…Shades of self esteem … Shades of freedom..... Shades of confidence…which still makes the “lunatic” in me scream “I am the king of the world”.

Feelings

2005-06-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

When I saw your name next to mine,
In our wedding card,
I felt blessed.

When I saw you smile,
Seeing me in the traditional bride groom dress,
I felt teased.

When I held your hand,
During the marriage rituals,
I felt responsible.

When you entered my lonely bachelor life,
And changed it into a heavenly abode,
I felt lucky.

When you showed the same love as I did,
Towards my parents,
I felt proud.

When you scolded me,
For neglecting my health amidst my hectic work,
I felt pampered.

When I saw you scream,
Crying out of labor pains,
I felt helpless.

When I saw tears of happiness in your eyes,
As you looked at our kid,
I felt blessed once again.

All these feeling have bloomed in my heart,
But are yet to blossom in reality.
As these are feelings I long to feel,
For these are still unfelt.

Will you marry me?

Resumed Habit

2005-06-17T09:36:00.000-07:00

Life is not been the same for me. It has changed for the worst. I am alone now. Totally stranded. I feel helpless when I recollect the promises we made to be there for each other, forever. I am here but where are you?
I am thinking hard, literally digging up my memory to remember at least one day we didn’t speak, at least one secret we didn’t share, at least one prank we didn’t do together or at least one moment where I felt your absence around me. But, my memory fails to bring forth even the minor possibility of them. If I am right, then how do you expect me to face the world alone where I got used to walking holding your hands, how do you expect me to take decisions now without your assurance that I am right, how do you expect me not to talk to you when I pass through difficult times. “Best” friend was too a small word to describe you because you had become my habit. A habit I am finding it miserable to make me understand that I can’t continue. A habit which I ought to leave to let me live or it would kill me out of depression.
“Mrs. Bipasha Sharma, the coveted winner of the HR person of the year. She with her brilliance and confidence has helped to bring back to life the dying company.” I smiled as I read the way the newspaper had described me. To achieve this was a herculean task for me .I had to juggle between my roles of a HR manager, a wife and a mother. Though it did stress me out sometimes, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was very happy and immensely satisfied with the small beautiful world that I had created around me. I just couldn’t imagine myself how few years back I was under tremendous depression just because my best friend Vaishali walked out of my life. That was a past story now, an incident which from years I was trying to forget but find myself still trying.
It was just another usual working day. As I drove towards the office, I was trying to mentally surf through all the points in my To-Do list. “Aah!!! Another hectic day”, I thought to myself after I finished with the quick analyses of the work ahead for the day. After reaching the office, I hurried to my cubicle .I immediately switched on my laptop to quickly browse through all the mails. I generally had the habit of first going through all the subjects of the emails I received and then start looking at the content .So, with the same fashion I started looking at the emails. “Re: Requisition for a deal with XYZ company” , Not important , “Fwd: Introduction of awards in the maintenance sector”, Okay will see to it later, “Rise in the company growth in Q3”, Good News. “I might not be alive by the time you finish reading this mail”, Okay, “Re: Regarding….”, What ! What did I read? I didn’t understand if I read it right. So I quickly read it again “I might not be alive by the time you finish reading this mail”. What the hell! What kind of mail is this? It can’t be a forward because I never get junk mails in my official email id. Was it just a prank or was it really serious? I decided to have a look at the mail.
I opened the mail. The email id from which I received wasn’t an id I was familiar with. I guess junk mails have intruded even in my mailbox. I knew it would be a waste of time to read through it, so I was about to close it when my eyes got stuck to a word in the mail called “Best Friend”. This word took me back to those days where a person whom I had addressed like that, had all of sudden left me. I would feel my heart beat increase as I remember those days which I dreaded to remember, but always ended up thinking about them. I soon found myself reading the story.
“Hi,
“Best Friend”, is what I called her. Nikitha meant the world to me. I couldn’t imagine a life without her around. I woke up everyday with a feeling that it should be a great day and she would make sure I had one. Everything I did in my life had to have Nikitha being a part of it.
Nikitha was a very outspoken girl. Everybody in our college knew who she was. Her extrovert nature helped her make lots of friends but I knew even in the group of friends her eyes searched for my presence and when she looked at me sitting in a corner of the room, she smiled. She never asked me to sit next to her because she knew I was not comfortable among the crowd. My shy nature never allowed me to mingle with people but I had no complaints because Nikitha meant crowd to me.
“I don’t know. No more questions. You are participating in this fashion show. That’s all”, Nikitha ordered me. Past couple of days we were having an argument on this topic. I can’t imagine standing before my whole class, walking down the ramp was highly impossible. I explained all this to Nikitha, but she said “Diya, you are very beautiful. But you don’t realize that. You will look great on the ramp. And above all this is not a contest. It’s just a fashion show. Just walk and come back. That’s it. Simple.” Simple, it was to hear but highly scary to do. But, Nikitha had decided and I had no choice.
“All you have to do is walk on the ramp stand for a while, turn and come back. That’s it. And hey make sure you sari doesn’t slip and fall”, Nikitha laughed. I knew she was trying to cool me down. But it was of no use. I was already tensed up and it was my turn to walk the ramp. ”Confidence Diya, Confidence”, I had Nikitha’s words ringing in my ears .I walked on the ramp with hundreds of people looking at me. I didn’t know why Nikitha is making me do this but I didn’t want to disappoint her. She had put lots of efforts to bring perfection in me and I didn’t want to mess it up. I managed to walk till the end of the ramp, smile at the crowd, turn around and walk back and stand next to the participants on the dais. It’s over, at last.
Now I knew why she made me participate in the fashion show as I hung the telephone. I just received a call from a famous film production offering me a heroine’s role. They told me they had seen me in the fashion show and were highly impressed. I rushed immediately to Nikitha’s house fuming with anger.
“Lights, Camera, action”, the director screamed. I looked into Nikitha’s eyes .She was standing besides the camera. I would see her eyes were gleaming with confidence, a confidence that I can do it. Her confidence in me gave me courage I found myself telling my first dialogue for the movie with flawless perfection. “Cut, Excellent Diya”, the director cried out. I ran and hugged Nikitha. I wept. I cried out of gratitude for all things she had done for me. She had spent days and nights trying to convince me and unknowing instilling confidence in me to make me realize that I could do. It was only because of the confidence of Nikitha in me that I decided to take up the offer which now I was thoroughly enjoying. “Thank you, Nikitha. Thank you so much. I did it .I did it at last. I couldn’t do this without you, Bipasha.”, I told her as I wept.
I started slowly enjoying the stardom. Soon there was talk in the film industry, that a new found talent has arrived, Vaishali. I was happy to read my name in magazines and newspapers. My first movie was a huge hit and “Vaishali” became a household name. I enjoyed the spotlight and all the attention I received. The cameras clicked flashing endless light on me. I enjoyed each flash that fell on me .Slowly I started becoming famous with my movies been declared a hit in the box office. I was flooded with awards. Year after year I was becoming more famous and rich. I was enjoying all the fame, money and attention I received. Men were wooing me while the women watched me keenly to imitate my style. I smiled at my success and took pride in declaring myself as a “self-made” woman forgetting that there was a person who was the sole reason for my present existence amidst fame and money.
Years passed by and I still had success falling on my feet. But amidst this fame I started feeing lonely. I wanted a companion and soon I decided to get married. I got married to one of my co-stars. The first year was like a beautiful fairy tale, where the beautiful princess had met her prince at last. Happiness was all around me but that soon became tired of living with me. I could see the marriage slipping away from my hands as everyday we ended up arguing about silly things. Silly things turned to be serious things. He didn’t seem to understand me at all. I was disturbed, really disturbed. Finally, I decided I couldn’t take it any more and we got divorced.
I am single and alone again. Now, as I walked by, I could feel the camera flashes tearing me apart, the looks of people trying to burn me into ashes. I wanted to run away from the spotlight. My money laughed at me as I couldn’t buy happiness for myself. I could feel the men’s stares piercing through my body and women’s laughs on my bad marriage kept ringing in my ears. I wanted to run away from all this but my stardom pulled me back and forced me to glare at the flash lights which were making me blind. “Why did you leave me alone, Bipasha”, I cried.
Bipasha, I want to bring back our old days. I want to become the shy girl again sitting in the end of the room looking at you speaking to a group of people. I want you to again understand me better than what I do. I want my “best friend” again in my life. I want your presence to become a habit again. I want to start again the habit of holding your hand as I face the world, I want to start again the habit of taking decision with your assurance that I am right, I just want to start them all over again. I left this habit long back because I was blinded by things around me whose presence I felt more important then. Now their presence is killing me, Bipasha. Don’t worry I am still surviving through this hell , but take me away from this place before I die out of depression. Please take me away as I desperately want to resume my habit of feeling your presence in my life”

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I read the story. I couldn’t stop relating the incidents mentioned in the mail with the real incidents that had happened between Vaishali and me. Half way through the mail I started imagining us as the characters of the story and started reading the story with our names. “How dumb of me?”, I thought. But, the last words of the story were still ringing in my ears “I left this habit long back because I was blinded by things around me whose presence I felt more important then. Now their presence is killing me, Bipasha.” Bipasha!!! Did I read Bipasha as the name of the character and I looked at the story again.
It was then I realized that I was not fantasizing the characters as us, but the characters were really us. I wasn’t visualizing the names of characters as mine and Vaishali’s, but the writer has purposely changed the names half way through of the story because the writer was none other than Vaishali, my “best-friend”.

Presence

2005-06-15T13:09:00.000-07:00

The first day I saw you I was enthralled by your beauty. I thanked God for choosing me to be the one for you. Never knew that I was so lucky, if not you wouldn’t have come into my life. I could see my life slowly changing. Your presence made me feel so comfortable and very happy. I wondered what mystical powers you had within you that made sure even while I was walking through the roughest paths of my life, you walked along with me with so much ease and made me feel as if I was walking through a bed of roses .I know you noticed the pride on my face when I introduced you to my friends. Why not, you have been the reason for my unique identify.

Every thought, every emotion, every move, every moment I could feel your presence around me. Sometimes may be I took your presence for granted .I remember instances when I used to burden you with all my problems but even then you never complained. I sometimes used to be so happy that I danced around and you made sure you enjoyed my happiness by dancing along with me. We went round and round the room dancing with the jarring music around us. You moved so graciously with each step of mine that I didn’t want to stop dancing along with you. With the same grace you danced your way into my heart from the first day I saw you, but till now never have you tried to make me dance to your tunes. I loved that about you because you always respected my decisions.

I am really happy now. I want to dance around. But why are you not ready to dance with me? Why do you refuse now? I know that past few days I have really burdened you with lots of problems. I just forced it on you leaving you with no choice. I know I shouldn’t have done what I did yesterday with you. I shouldn’t have hit you. But, I was so angry, so frustrated with life. In that madness I didn’t know what I was doing. I couldn’t show my frustration in my office. So when I came back home, I showed it on you. I know nowadays I am taking you for granted but maybe I got this feeling because I assumed that your presence will always be there around me. I never thought about you but always thought about myself because I just assumed that no matter what, you will be there for me. I am sorry. Please don’t get annoyed. You’re precious to me. Don’t leave me alone. You aren’t even ready to let me mend it up. Oh dear!!! Can I get a better slipper than you?

Messed-Up Excellence

2005-06-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

Life has always been good to me and sometimes it showered so much goodness on me that I find it difficult to handle and I end up doing the wrong things at the right time. When I start complaining about it, Life has only one thing to say “Why did you mess it up?”. What Life said was also valid because I always surprised myself as to how I could excel in mastering the art of “messing-up” situations and I just got better as I grew older.
I did my schooling in a boy’s school. Being in a boy’s school was fun in its own way. But, it got boring sometimes when you don’t have the existence of people around you , whom you could address as “beautiful”, ”pretty” and ”gorgeous”. But, I didn’t have to wait long for that. No, my school was not changed to co-education, but I got a glimpse of “the beautiful”,”the pretty” and “the gorgeous”.
It was our first day in Physics lab. My friends and I weren’t in the slightest mood to hear anything. We were busy looking around the lab and the “exotic” instruments that didn’t make sense to us. Just then my friend sitting beside me, poked me with his pencil and asked me to look at the window. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I opened my eyes wide in amazement. I could see the students of the adjacent school sitting in their classes. I knew there was a school next to ours, but never knew we shared a common boundary wall. I looked at the students sitting there. No. Let me be frank. Let me rephrase the line. I looked at girls sitting there. I eagerly looked around my class to inform others too. But, more than half the class was already looking at the window.
My friends and I had decided to take a closer look at the celebrities, the girls. So, one of the physics lab sessions, we slowly moved towards the end of the physics lab. We had to enter a small room, in order to reach the end of the lab and of course to make sure we don’t get caught by our teacher. We entered the room, but where was the window?. Oh! Then we realized the curtains had covered them. I immediately opened them. We were frozen looking at the “beautiful”,”pretty”,”gorgeous” sight. Suddenly, an idea struck me and I pulled my friends down. ”Won’t it be really cheap of us to look at them like this? Let us do one thing. We will pretend to do some experiment and look at them, so that they don’t suspect”, I told them. “Brilliant idea”, I could hear my heart tell my brain. We stood up and took the “telescope like” instrument from the table and placed it on the table near the window. We posed as if we were looking through the “telescope like” instrument and admired the beauty before us. Seeing this, the girls started giggling. None of us knew why they were doing so. But we continued, not only that day but even after that.
One fine day in the Physics class, our Physics teacher as usual brought an instrument to demonstrate something. This time it was the same instrument we used to look at the girls. We felt a sense of possessiveness when we looked at it, because it somehow belonged to us. My teacher started explaining about the instrument. When the Physics class got over, we friends sat there in shock and I could see all of them giving me a cold stare. We pledged never to look at the girls through the window, because it was only then we realized that the “telescope-like” instrument was an instrument to look at objects in the “dark” and we day after day tried to look at girls in “daylight”. Now, I understood why the girls were giggling. Next Physics lab, we found ourselves far away from the window.
School days had its own share of pranks, but done with innocence. But in college I had to be more careful because now I was a grown up boy. But, as I mentioned earlier things just got better as I grew old.
College days were full of flop shows where I tried to do something and it ended up being just the opposite. For instance, on my first day in college like a typical ragging situation I was told to propose to a girl and I with all sincerity went and proposed a girl who ended up being the sweeper of the building. How could I know that we had well dressed sweeper in my college on my very first day of college itself? Then, once during my second year in the process of impressing the junior girls I did all the “heroic” stunts on my bike and once I could sense the junior girls were impressed, I parked my vehicle and walked by them. Just then I could hear the security guy of my college screaming at me at his top of his voice, “Are u gone nuts to park your bike in the basketball court? Just remove your bike right now”. I didn’t even dare to look at the girls. I just vanished from that place with my bike in seconds. I hoped that was my final day in college and I don’t see those girls again. But, I had to face those sarcastic smiles for the next three years.
Flop shows like these were common with me during my college days, but now as a working professional I had be careful that I don’t repeat these flop shows now. But, few things just seem to love to stay with me.
We all know that amidst our project work, the forward mails we receive act as a prefect stress busters. But in my case one such forward mail instead of releasing my stress, it just added on to it. Can’t blame me! The mail came with a subject reading “Whom do u think is more beautiful?”. So, I opened the mail with lots of curiosity to see who were featured in the “beautiful” group. After having a quick glance at all the snaps, I decided to take the judge’s seat and give my decision as to who is the most beautiful amongst them with all the experience I had gathered in my 23 years of existence in this world. As I scrolled down, I looked at each of the beautiful ladies and trying to do some mental calculations to help me give my decision, but by the time I scrolled till the end of the page I was confused. I scrolled up and down again to look at the photos again, but still couldn’t decide. “Once your Design Analysis is done, can we start the meeting?”, I heard my PM speak from behind. My heart beat increased as I looked around and saw my PM standing right behind me and looking at me and my computer screen. It was then I remembered I had my appraisal scheduled that time and I had forgotten about it. “Well.. Actually… I…. Kind off .. Forgot…”, this was what I heard myself reply. As I followed him to the conference room for my appraisal expecting the worst to come, I realized what he meant by “design analysis”. My analysis of the photos to decide who was beautiful was no less than a “design analysis”.
What happened during the next one hour in my appraisal meeting, as they say is history. But, I desperately wanted to wear a mask during the meeting, because I was so embarrassed to face him. But, few things in life are just unavoidable. Sometimes, I wonder if I continue this way of messing up situations, I will soon be awarded with the Best “Messed-Up” Act. There again I won’t be surprised if in the excitement of collecting my award I walk up straight on the dais towards the anchor of the show while the person ready to give my award is standing right on the other extreme side of the dais.
Can’t help it !!! Few people are just born with Messed up Excellence.

Scattered

2005-06-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

Now this was frustrating. Working at unacceptable timing and having stressful long hours seems to be a never ending saga in my life. 1, 2, 3 at night ... oops early morning seems to become my very common working schedule. There seems to be no so-called “personal” life in my “always work and no play” life. Everything had its saturation level, so did my patience too. And one fine day I decided that I am not letting people exploit me this way, so I just left my office by 5.00PM without informing anybody.
I took my bike and headed straight to the beach near my office because I needed a place where I could sit and spend some time with myself.
I sat in the beach, watching the waves going up and down. "Look! Even the work done by these waves is monotonous, going up-down, front -back, just like me doing the same kind of work from past 1 year." But, the waves at least give happiness to all who come here. But in my case it’s just the opposite, I am not happy, people at my place are not happy because I hardly meet them, my friends are not happy because I am unable to contact them. Who is happy? I was happy when I saw the appointment letter in my mailbox, I was happy on the first day of my work, I was happy when I threw a party to my friends for getting placed in the best company, I was happy when I saw a tear in my mother’s eyes when I told her that I got a job because she knew I was good but never knew I was very good to get into the top company. But now, all that looked to me like “Once upon a time” story.
As I kept asking myself endless questions, I looked around the beach. I noticed a bunch of kids playing around. But everybody was looking up. Why? .To find out, I too looked up. Oh! They were looking at the kite. Immediately I looked down. Then, I understood. Among the kids, there was one kid who was flying a kite and others were watching the kite fly with the wind. Each kid took turns to fly the kite. They all looked so happy. Totally lost in their own world of happiness. I could see the pride in each of the kid’s face as they looked at their kite flying very high. Lucky kids! Away from all the worries, happily in their own world of enjoyment.
I kept looking at those kids, enjoying myself seeing them enjoy. The kids were cheering as they saw the kite dancing with the breeze. I kept gazing at them, as I didn’t want to miss their happy expression.Suddenly a strong wind blew. I immediately closed my eyes, to make sure the sand didn’t go inside my eyes. I slowly opened my eyes. I looked back at the kids to continue admiring them. Though I saw the kids standing there gazing the sky, I could see a shade of sadness in their face. I immediately looked up and understood the reason. The thread extended to the kite got cut because of the strong wind and it was on its way down. I looked back at the kids. They all with heavy hearts were looking at the kite taking a dive straight into the water. “God, why don’t you let at least these kids enjoy. Anyways you have been very unfair to me, but why the kids? “, I thought looking at the sky.
I looked back at the kids. I saw them discussing something and walking away from the shore. May be they are going back to their house. Suddenly, one of the kids ran out towards an object lying on the beach. I looked at the object, it was a dry coconut. What was so interesting about it? He called the other kids too. They all ran towards him. All rounded up the object and started discussing. I had no clue what they were discussing. After their discussion, the kids spread out a little bit, leaving two kids near the dry coconut. What are they up to? One of the kids screamed and the two kids in the center started kicking the ball and others too joined them. Wow, they are playing Football. It was awesome way to turn the dry coconut into a football. I could see the same happiness return in the kids faces, which I saw while they flew the kite. I saw them happily screaming and running about the place, trying to kick the ball toward the ‘so- called” goal post. Their energy made me unknowingly cheer them. But, Hold on!!!, I could see a faint resemblance between the kids and me. What was it???
I thought hard …. Really hard. Suddenly, I could see in the air, all the pieces of the Jigsaw puzzle, falling in the right place and helping me see a clearer picture. I opened my eyes wide with amazement. Immediately, I closed my eyes trying to concentrate on the thought that answered my question of the unknowing resemblance the kids and I shared.
I watched the kids in admiration, with my eyes going moist as my thoughts flowed like the waves before me. The kids could have played anywhere, but they chose the beach to the play. They very well knew that though the breeze helped them to fly the kite high, a strong wind would be enough to cut their kite. But still, with all their strength and patience they flew the kite high in the sky, really high. The pleasant breeze that was blowing helped them to fly their kite even better and of course bringing smiles on their faces. At last even when the strong wind cut the kite, shattering their hard work, they still found happiness in a small object that was just scattered around them.
I could have worked in any field I liked, but I chose to work in this particular field. It was my decision. I very well knew that the opportunities that lay before me would take my aspirations to great heights, but this couldn’t come easy. I knew very well, the amount of time the work would demand that will come as a hard blow on my face making me devoid of my personal pleasures. I knew all this very well, but still I got frustrated when I had to face it. In this frustration of losing all my life’s happiness, I walked by all the happiness that always existed around me but went unnoticed because they were scattered.
As I looked at the sunset engulfing us into darkness, I felt a dawn of realization enlighten me. There I could see among the scattered, the happiness of working hard to fulfill my aspirations, the happiness of toiling whole night surprising me with my hidden stamina, the happiness of handling the pressure now to let me handle upcoming pressure with ease, the happiness of getting used to hard life even amidst luxury, the happiness of having a hot cup of tea enjoying the chillness of night, the happiness of getting pampered by my girlfriend when she calls and asks “did you have your dinner? Try to leave home fast? Don’t strain too much? Take care!” , the happiness to see the city getting ready for the day’s business , the happiness of ….. There were so many things around me that were giving me immense happiness, but I ignored them just because they were scattered. My frustration overshadowed all these happiness around me, which if I had realized earlier would have overshadowed my frustration now. Happiness like a loyal friend followed me everywhere; letting me look around for it.
I smiled at the kids with gratitude. I drove back to office determined that before my happiness is shattered; I will find them in the scattered!!!

Silent Knock

2005-05-31T09:34:00.000-07:00

“Hi! This is your very own VJ Vishal and you’re watching me in your favorite program Dedicate. So, what are you waiting for? Just call me and dedicate a song to your loved ones. Now, let’s take the first caller of the show. Helloooooooo …. Welcome to Dedicate. Who’s this? ….. Hello…. Sorry I am unable to hear you… can u please reduce your TV volume… Helloooo…. Helllloooooo….. Hummmm.. Seems like the line got cut. So, what we will do is dedicate a song for this caller who couldn’t reach us … Enjoy”. This was one thing I didn’t like when I take calls. Why can’t people reduce their TV volume when they call the show? I know it’s great to hear your own voice on TV while you speak, but that was annoying. Let me see who called. I looked at the caller id display. It read 9845150283.Okay. Wait a second that has my birthday date in it 15th Feb 1983. “Mr. or Ms Caller, please don’t spoil your call which has my birthday date as a part of your number”, I screamed in silence. “Vishal, next caller on line .Action! “.
Talking to different people, of different characters by being total strangers to each other was something I enjoyed thoroughly and that was the reason which pulled me into this profession of Video Jockey. People dedicate songs to their parents, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends and me too. I just can’t stop smiling when girls who call up and say “Oh! Vishal you’re so cute. I like you a lot”, because my cameraman, director and spot boys standing behind the camera would be giving me a sarcastic smile.
“Hellooo...This is Vishal…It’s great to have you in my show Dedicate. Can I know whom I am talking to? Hellooo… hello…..A humble request can you please reduce the volume, I am unable to hear. Hello… Helloo…..”Cut!! These callers, for God’s sake reduce the volume. “Sad, we weren’t able to speak to the caller. So, not to disappoint the caller, we will play a song for this caller. This song goes right away for you .Have fun!!”, I told wearing a fake smile. With the earphones, stuck to my ears it’s very irritating to hear my own voice echoing back when people who call don’t reduce their volume. I gave a glance on the number. 9845150283. That carries my birthday date. Hold on!!! This is the same number who called last time and didn’t speak a word. Why can’t this guy speak out?
Hundreds of callers, innumerable dedications, and amazing compliments were on my way as I kept hosting the show day after day. I came across really different people. Some really sweet, some trying to be over smart and few just don’t speak. Among them was this person, who had my one and only birthday date as a part of his mobile number and never spoke .Was he/she trying to play any kind of pranks on me , by making sure he/she calls the show at least once a month and don’t speak at all. Some people just don’t change!!!
“Let’s take our next caller, Heeellloooooo…. This is Vishal on your favorite program Dedicate. Who’s this? “. I could hear my own voice echoing back to me. God save me! “Kindly please reduce your volume. I am unable to hear you “. But no, that person seems to bring his phone even more nearer to his TV. ”There is some problem in the line, so we are unable to take the person’s call. But, I since this caller couldn’t reach us, I will dedicate this beautiful song for this caller. This is just for you.” I removed the earplug from my ears and stood their fuming. This person was bent upon making me deaf today. Don’t tell me this is the same guy with my special number. I promptly looked at the caller id display. Same number! This person was really testing my patience. Every month this person called me minimum once and with lots of care keeps the receiver near the TV without speaking any word. I decided to put an end to this today.
“Hello!” I said, calling the same number that carried my birthday date. ”Hello”, I heard a response from the other end in a lady’s voice. So, a girl was playing all these pranks. This was craziness and I had to put a full stop. “Hi! This is Vishal. I am the VJ for the program Dedicate. I keep getting calls often from this number. Can I know whom I am speaking to and why you never talk to me when you call my show?” I tried my level best to sound pleasing as it was tough because I was totally irritated with her behavior all these months. “Oh! Vishal!!! Is that you? Wow it’s great to speak to you .It’s a pleasant surprise. I just love your program .Your doing a great job”, the lady replied. I know I am doing a good job, but she still didn’t tell me who she was and why she is been calling me always. But, she sounded old. She didn’t sound like a girl, but a lady, say in her late 30s. But, whoever it was didn’t bother me as I wanted to know why the lady is irritating me. “Thanks a lot Ma’am, for your compliment. I got your number from the caller id display and guess what; coincidently my birthday date 15-02-83 is the last six digits of your mobile number. I would always look at the number displayed after you cut the call without speaking. I would have loved to talk to you whenever you called me. But, why didn’t you ever speak?”
“Thank you Ma’am”, I told her and disconnected the call. I looked outside the window at the sky as tears rolled down my cheeks. The lady’s voice was still ringing in my ears, as I kept gazing at the sky and squeezing the curtains of the window. ”Sorry, Vishal. I know the calls would have been very annoying. But he, my eight year old son, had no other choice. My son was the one who called you and never spoke, because he can’t speak. He is dumb from birth. …. But , I have to tell you, that even though he never spoke when he called your show , you always made sure you dedicated a song saying “not to disappoint the caller who tried now“ . This made him so happy, as if he himself had spoken with his own voice. Thanks a lot; because your few seconds of patience to put up with the call, gave days of happiness to my son who can never hear his own voice. Thanks for being his voice of happiness”. These words went on and on in my thoughts. As I kept looking at the sky , I wanted to scream at the top of my voice and say “Thank you, God !, for letting me be the reason for bringing smiles in somebody’s life whom I have never seen, never had a conversation with and never will. But, still unknowingly you made my few seconds of patience and words shower on him never ending happiness. The kid, for no fault of his, had to live a life in which he would never know how his words would sound, but still found happiness hearing others voice. Thank you so much for making me his voiceless voice”. I wept as I kept gazing at the sky, because during our monologue, the kid’s “silence knocked” on the tiny window of my heart to make me realize that even though I kept the huge doors of my heart open for all the happiness true or false to come in and go out, the small gestures of happiness given or found is enough to fill you with eternal bliss.
“Hi, this is Vishal, your VJ. Welcome to the brand new episode of Dedicate. Today before I start taking calls, I would like to dedicate this beautiful song to my friend who made me find pleasures in simple things, to my friend who taught me to give happiness through small gestures, to my friend who has my birthday date as a part of his mobile number. Hey friend, you have left your presence embossed in my heart with your Silent Knock!!!”

Bliss

2005-05-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

“Oh God! She looked so beautiful even while she is crying”, I thought while I stood there admiring her cry. I wanted to console her but what would I tell her, as I had no clue why she was crying. And above all, with what liberty would I go and console her. The liberty that its just been couple of months I know her as a team mate or with the liberty that she was the reason for making me realize, recognize, feel this immensely beautiful “Bliss” in me , a bliss which I call “Love”……
It’s been 3 years I have been working in this software company. Past 3 years have gone in a flash. A flash that had struggle, hard work, night-outs, recognition, appreciations, onsite trip and many more. After 3 years I saw myself joining the rat race, a race which I didn’t know where it will end, but still I ran. And during this race came along my new assignment… I was put into a new project. I was all set to start this project looking forward for some great learnings, but least did I expect that I would learn something entirely new, entirely interesting, entirely “blissful“ ……
There was something striking about her as she was the only one who stood out among all the people whom I got introduced as the team I would join, in my new assigned project. What was so striking about her, hummm... Yeah, her dimple extended with a prefect curved smile. ”Sweet smile”, I thought to myself and walked away thinking about the smile more than how to get started with the project. That moment little did I realize, that this would be the smile I would long to see forever……
Renuka, came across to be as this very interesting character, interesting because she was always brimming with excitement. I always read in books and watched in movies where there will be a character portrayed as “happy-go –lucky” natured person, always happy and making others around happy. And there, before me I saw a lively version of the character loaded with all enthusiasm. But the most remarkably interesting thing about her was, she was ever smiling. I would also put it like; she was a synonym of the word smile. It was interesting to see her and more interesting to talk to her … I assume as I had seen her speaking to others as I have never spoken to her.
Why did she maintain a distance from me, was something that made me wonder??? .Its almost been almost 3 weeks I have been into this project and I had never had a chance to speak to her or rather I would put it this way, she never gave me a chance to speak. The mystery made me more curious and unknowing made me notice her more. But the mystery continued….
“Hi Varun”, Renuka said. For a second, I was wondering was I dreaming. Can’t blame me for that, as its human to not believe when the unexpected happens. Same with me too. I didn’t know what expression to carry. Should I show that I am surprised she spoke to me, or happy that she spoke at last or a very causal look like it was just another conversation. And I ended up a giving a blank expression … a stupid one of course. ”Varun, Ravi wanted me to inform you that he will not be able to make it to office today. So he wants you to do the needful. Bye Varun. .Have a nice day”…..This is what I call “short and sweet”. It was sweet but I didn’t want it be short.
Project deadlines, documents deliverables, production issues… amongst all those tension packed days … I still enjoyed every day in the project, because her lively nature made it more interesting to work in the team. During the next few weeks, I occasionally got a chance to speak, but hey the talks were totally limited to official matters. But I enjoyed them too. Renuka - I would call her my colleague than a friend because never did I get into a friendly conversation or should I say never ever will…
“Its getting late, hurry up”, one of my colleagues screamed. Aah, I had forgotten we had a dinner party that day. But as usual I got struck with some assignment and I told them I will join them in an hour. ”Ok Renuka u join Varun, even he is coming late. Varun, don’t forget to bring Renuka along with you “, informed the same guy. Hey, did I hear that right .Renuka and I … coming alone together… will she be ready… Is she okay with it?.... will she be comfortable to come along with me?... will she talk to me during the drive?? .. Will she …. STOP…. What was I doing? Asking myself so many questions. May be it was a new way to digest the fact. A fact which I loved to happen and loved it more if nobody turns up and says” hey Varun, your leaving late. Then I will join u too.” You never know with the software professionals. .always find some work to be done in the last hour… of course I too fall in the same category. But, then I sincerely hoped that for once my team members complete all their work on time. And guess what, my prayers were heard. In my team, Renuka and I were the only people still to join the party. I eagerly waited for that 1 hour to pass by, don’t ask me how much I worked in that 1 hour.. but I was looking at the screen with questions like how? Why? What? When? still lingering in my mind and of course looking at the time in the right bottom of the computer screen.
“Shall we leave Renuka”, oh this was the first “non” professional casual thing I told her. “Yeah, sure”, she said flashing a beautiful smile. NoNo... I tried my best to give the blankest expression I can keep, as not to reveal my excited expression. But anyways, what was the use the whole journey till the restaurant will be like a silent movie, because can’t expect her to start a conversation. I knew my stars were shining on me bright that evening but didn’t have the slightest idea that it will shine brighter.
“Which was the last movie you watched?”, Renuka asked while I was driving and of course leaving me totally bewildered .I was so confused , because never on earth I expected her to speak and she spoke .In that confusion, all I heard was “which was your last” and the rest I assumed. “It was for North Carolina Travel dept, developing a database for them “I said. Your right, I assumed what she said as “your last project”. She burst out laughing, leaving me look like a total dumbo. But to be frank I was happy about what happened then because those laughs lasted for the whole journey. Surprisingly we spoke and spoke about lots of things during the travel and for once I was not cursing the fact that my office was located in the outskirts of the city and the long traffic jam that happen inside the city during the peak hours .They were blessing in disguise then.
We spoke. We spoke more and more. Everything she spoke surprised me .Surprisingly because she was speaking to me for the first time so casually and she sounded so comfortable as if speaking to one of her good friends. It did make me comfortable, so comfortable that I found myself jumping on my seat due to excitement .Excitement out of surprise!!! What should I say; it was so good to talk to her. I felt so happy and nice while talking to her. Everything she spoke I felt that was so cute, with so much innocence and warmth filled in it. In those few minutes of drive I developed tremendous admiration for her innocence, her simplicity, her charm and of course it goes without saying her smile.
Contagious!!! Her smile was so too contagious. It made me also smile throughout the journey, and that I realized only when my mouth started aching. But I was experienced total happiness in me, which I had lost it somewhere in my struggle to excel and make a mark in this competitive world and I wanted this happiness to last …..
“That’s the restaurant, Keep your left Varun”. Oh, there was so much sweetness in what she spoke. I smiled to myself and kept my left and entered the restaurant .I parked my car and the only thought that came to me will I be lucky again to take her for a drive. I know sometimes you ask too much to God, but I just hoped he too has some bonus system of giving his employees bonus once in a while. ”It was great to talk to you Varun. I never expected you to be such a friendly guy; I had a very nice drive. Thanks.”, she said. ”Pleasure is mine”, I said smiling back and thanking God for letting me know such a nice girl. She signaled to me something. I did not understand .Oh! Then I understood that she was pointing to my hair that was totally unkempt. She gestured this and stepped outside the car. I saw myself in the mirror and saw my face turn pink. I was blushing. I winked at myself, looking at the mirror and got down from the car.
The restaurant was in the 3rd floor .We entered the mirror walled lift. Renuka immediately opened her handbag and took her comb out and started brushing her hair. I looked at her in astonishment.” Girls… you just can’t change them”, she laughed. I blushed. . Now why I blushed, I don’t know… but I felt cute about the whole thing. In the restaurant, during our dinner, every second minute I was looking at her. It was not intentional at all, but I didn’t know my head turned towards her to admire her. I would feel a very nice feeling which I felt for her. Is it with affection, like, admiration or ... I didn’t know…I couldn’t understand. But I was experiencing something totally refreshing, totally blissful….because I had fallen in love with her without realizing it.
There she was sitting before me and crying, while I thought about her, the reason for all the happiness I am experiencing from quite a long time. Thanks to her. But, I had to stop her from crying. I had to do something. Before I could frame my dialogues, I heard myself talk “Renuka, I have some coupons for free Pizzas in our office outlet. Today is the last day and I don’t want it to go for a waste, can u please join me? “ … can I make a more fool out of myself…She looked at me...with tears filled in her eyes and started laughing. Sometimes making a fool out of yourself is also good..
We were having Pizzas, outside the pizza outlet engrossed in a conversation. I didn’t want to ask her why she was crying which might make her unhappy again, but I desperately wanted to know the reason why? .While the conversation was going on, she said, “Varun, you know why I cried. This onsite co-coordinator of ours blasted me in the conf call for not writing the proper code and that getting bombed in production. He really scolded me very badly. I felt so bad about it”. I gave her a surprised look. Looking at my surprised look she quickly responded “Girls… you just can’t change them”. I smiled…. Falling in love with her more…
More of project parties together, more of evening snacks , more of lunch and dinner , more of knowing each other continued as days passed by till I came to a point I said STOP!!! Stop of all these .Stop... Admiring her .Stop … blushing at whatever she says...stop …smiling within myself feeling the happiness each time I spoke to her… stop finding all the reasons to have dinner or lunch together… because I wanted to tell her that I love her … because I wanted to lead a beautiful life with her ..because I wanted to be there for her forever... because I just wanted to be the luckiest guy under the sky…
Innumerable questions popped inside me as to how should I tell her .Should I wait till the Valentine’s Day and propose to her with a red rose like a typical teenager, or tell her that I love you directly, or indirectly make her know that I love her. How I had no idea. I even searched the internet for few tips but they also didn’t suit me. I wasn’t a guy who would keep it to my heart. I was ready to tell her but how was the big question of the hour. ”Varun, you have to complete the coding for the new design by 2 weeks. I know its tough, but we have no other choice”, informed my manager to me. I started off in full swing to meet the deadlines and thought that after the deadline I would definitely tell her.
I was busy coding that day to finish the work before the deadlines. So busy that I totally forgot I had my manager’s farewell dinner party that night. I as usual had to attend it late because of my work load. Everybody in my team left and I was the only person there stuck to my computer, coding. Did I say I was the only one? No. I was mistaken. Suddenly, then I felt somebody approaching me .I looked up I saw Renuka standing next time. “Why didn’t u leave?? Everybody has left?”, I asked her. “I will join you Varun. Had some work to complete”, she replied. There was something different about her, something missing, some change that was so very prominent.. Yeah she looked sad, she lacked the glow and of course her smile was no where to be seen. What was wrong?? What happened?? What would be the reason now for her being sad? “What happened, you look dull?”, I asked her.” No nothing I am fine”, she told and walked away. No something was definitely wrong. I thought I will ask her when we drive to the restaurant.
“Renuka, what’s wrong with you. You don’t seem to be the usual kind. Something is bothering. What’s it??” I asked while I was driving to the restaurant. ”I told u nothing is wrong. I am fine”, she said. ”No, you are not fine. I have never seen you so sad. There is something that is definitely disturbing you. But what? Did something happen in office or home.” I almost screamed and stopped the car on the side of the road. I wanted to find the reason … and that too now. ”Nothing is wrong “, she said and looked outside the window.” Please, Renuka I just can’t see you like this. Please tell me .I have never ever seen you like this and I cant see you like this .Please you have to tell me .I am worried about you”, I pleaded.. ”Forget it Varun, you will not understand”, she said and escaped my eye contact. ”Why should I forget it and how can u think I can forget. I care for you, I am concerned about you .I love you”. I told her this holding her hand.
What did I say? Did I say I loved her? But that moment I was more worried about her than what I told her. She squeezed my hand tight, put her head on my shoulders and started crying. I didn’t understand what was going on. I was shocked and confused. ”I love you too. I was just waiting for you to tell .I really didn’t know how I should convey my love for you because I wasn’t even sure that if u loved me or not. I am so happy now, very very happy.”, she said still crying. That moment I felt as if I have been showered with all the joy in the world that was too much for me to handle at that moment. That moment I was too overjoyed for words and all I would think off seeing her cry was “Girls... You just can’t change them”. I hugged her and closed my eyes feeling an eternal bliss in me… a bliss which I still now feel when I hear our one year old baby cry. Truly blessed with bliss ……..